Words Matter

I find myself increasingly weary of the term "toxic masculinity," and I suspect you might feel the same. Its purpose has been served, and it's time to move on. I was pleased to learn about a new concept gaining traction: "tonic masculinity." This term refers to individuals like Tim Walz, Kamala Harris' choice for vice president, who embodies the kind of man you would want in your life—someone reliable and non-violent, unlike others who promote a different image. A decent person who would definitely call for help if they witnessed an assault.

A major issue lies in the vague definition of "masculine." Being brutish is not a mark of masculinity. So why do we label rapists, bullies, and violent offenders with this term? How has monstrous behavior become associated with masculinity?

This flawed understanding contributes to the confusion many young men experience in today’s world, where women are empowered to live independently. They appear to believe that if women assert their independence, it undermines their own identities. They mistakenly think they cannot be "masculine" if women reject traditional notions of femininity—which they inaccurately equate with weakness and submission. For every step forward that women take towards equality, these men perceive it as a setback.

Yet, if they understood the true essence of "masculine" and "man," they might find the strength to rise to the occasion—like the heroes we have always admired—and assist in creating a world where assault is unfathomable.

Here's a poignant moment featuring Jordan Peterson expressing concern over young men struggling to attract women in today’s society.

But why the confusion? Why haven’t they received the message? Why haven’t they listened to women’s countless appeals?

Women detest rapists, murderers, and violent bullies. What we truly desire are men who will protect us and uphold our rights to pursue our dreams and potential as individuals. We appreciate men who value us, respect us, and embody qualities like honor, courage, strength, and integrity.

So, if attracting a partner is your goal, this is a solid starting point. However, the challenge lies in the fact that you cannot feign these qualities as part of a dating strategy. You must genuinely possess them to be seen as a desirable partner, which requires cultivating integrity. This journey must stem from a desire to honor yourself and not just to impress others.

What is Tonic Masculinity?

According to The Medium Newsletter, "'Tonic' signifies 'invigorating and refreshing.' It also represents the foundational note of a musical scale—the part of a song that brings a sense of relief."

The concept first emerged on Medium in 2020, when a leadership coach discussed how men can embrace positive masculine archetypes like King, Warrior, and Magician.

Since then, the notion has expanded beyond its initial context. In a recent article, I encountered this perspective:

The term tonic conveys two important ideas related to masculinity. One refers to the foundational note of a musical piece, while the other denotes a revitalizing influence. I believe masculinity is re-emerging to provide harmony and positive energy to mend societal wounds. — Miles Groth in New Male Studies

This brings to mind my childhood, when I enjoyed shows like "Father Knows Best," appreciating the wisdom shared by a caring father. There’s nothing inherently wrong with that. The issue arises when he demands compliance and enforces it through coercive means.

That is not leadership; it’s tyranny.

So, can we reset our understanding?

Can we retire the term "toxic masculinity" and stop equating male identity with violence?

Can we nurture our sons and allow them to maintain their compassionate spirits, growing into men who prioritize honor, courage, strength, and respect?

Can we finally remember the true essence of a "real" man?

Besides sharing insights about films, literature, and social issues on Medium, I also edit the feminist publication Fourth Wave and have authored two novels: "Thirsty Work" and "Count All This." Subscribe for updates on my publications. If you have a story about social justice, consider contributing to Fourth Wave.