Chapter 1: Introduction to Embarrassment

Before diving into the story, I want to extend my gratitude to Laurel for tagging me in this rather sensitive topic. Consider this a fair warning: it’s best to read this when there are no young children around, as your seven-year-old might inadvertently start announcing, “Freaking Heck! I Made a Mess!” to anyone nearby. If this does happen and you feel the need to take legal action, I’ll see you in court.

Let’s clarify some potential language barriers and cultural nuances this tale may reveal. As a British guy, my terminology differs quite a bit. For instance, I don’t “pee”; I “piss.” And “poo” is replaced with “shit.” Here are a couple of examples to illustrate:

1. “Excuse me, sir, why did you just urinate in that grey plastic tray and send it through the x-ray conveyor?” My response: “I was informed that I couldn’t carry liquids on board. Want to see my passport? If not, kindly step aside; the final call for the 09:20 flight to Nice has just been announced, and I’m in a rush.”
2. “I think your son has soiled himself. It’s come out the back of his trousers and up his back.” My response: “I apologize, Your Majesty; he just downed three liters of strong Belgian beer, and we didn’t expect you for another ten minutes.”

Now, regarding the second example, there’s a semantic issue with the past tense of “shit.” The Queen wouldn’t say “has shit himself”; that’s more of a colloquial expression. She’d likely use “shat” or “shitted.” For example, she might say, “Before heading to Ascot, Princess Eugenie, make sure you haven’t shat your knickers.” Do you see what I mean?

Finally, let’s tackle the terms “piss” and “pissed.” In England, “piss” has multiple meanings. It’s commonly used as a noun for urine, but it also refers to alcoholic beverages, as in, “I’m going out for drinks this afternoon.” My advice: be careful, as I wouldn’t want you to embarrass yourself in front of the Queen again.

Now, on to Laurel’s prompt.

Chapter 2: The First Incident—The Christmas Break Fiasco

On the last day of college before the Christmas break, some friends and I decided to hit a nearby pub. There was a girl I particularly wanted to impress, so I gallantly offered to walk her home.

As we walked, an urgent bowel movement struck. Thankfully, it was just a firm nugget that barely made contact with my trousers. We were outside, so any unpleasant odors were whisked away by the breeze. However, the movement caused the nugget to become more of a mushy situation.

Upon reaching her home, my heart raced when she invited me in for coffee. I quickly asked to use the bathroom. Fortunately, my situation had remained contained, and after a long struggle, I managed to clear things out with the help of nearly a roll and a half of toilet paper and numerous flushes.

The final challenge was disposing of my soiled underwear. I’m not religious, but I found myself praying that my last-ditch effort to flush them away would work. To my relief, the water level rose dramatically but eventually drained, taking the evidence with it.

No, I didn’t even get a kiss, let alone anything more intimate.

Chapter 3: The Taxi Driver Incident

As a taxi driver, I often find myself in awkward situations. One night, after dropping off a passenger, I felt the urge to relieve myself and decided to head home.

While driving, an elderly gentleman flagged me down. My bladder was in a state of emergency, but I recognized him and knew he tipped well. I pulled over, and he got in, directing me to a location that was a slight detour from my route.

As I drove with increasing urgency, sweat began to trickle down my face. By the time we reached our destination, it felt like my bladder was about to burst. Unfortunately, I lost control, and the warm liquid soaked into my trousers. Thankfully, my passenger was oblivious, and I managed to drop him off without raising any suspicion.

However, my greed for that extra fare resulted in a messy car that required extensive cleaning and left a lingering odor for weeks. Ironically, if a passenger had done that, I could have charged them for damages!

The takeaway from this experience, kids, is to do whatever it takes to avoid putting yourself in embarrassing situations.