# Breaking the Cycle of Dysfunctional Relationships for Good
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Chapter 1: Understanding Emotional Unavailability
For a significant portion of my twenties, I found myself in a repetitive cycle of dating individuals who were not truly suited for me. They were appealing, at least in my eyes, yet emotionally inaccessible, largely because I hadn't yet discovered my own identity.
What does it mean to be emotionally unavailable? Dr. Lindsay Jernigan's article sheds light on this concept by outlining five signs of emotional unavailability. I will use her insights to illustrate how these traits manifested in my relationships with unavailable partners.
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Section 1.1: The Pursuer in Dysfunctional Love
I often took on the role of the pursuer in my romantic pursuits. I'd spot someone and think, “I want to be with them,” often before I even got to know them. It felt like a conquest; something within me, perhaps broken, found their reluctance to engage either physically or emotionally strangely appealing. I would frequently make all the arrangements, from initiating plans to leading in intimate moments.
Subsection 1.1.1: The Avoidance of Commitment
In two particularly painful relationships, I faced the harsh reality of emotional unavailability. One partner enjoyed our time together and expressed love but claimed he wasn’t ready for a relationship. The breaking point came when another partner bluntly stated, “I don’t love you, and I don’t know if I ever will.” Despite my hurt, I found myself returning to his place that night, only to leave shortly after, consumed by heartache.
Chapter 2: Recognizing the Need for Change
In "How To Stop the Cycle of Negative Relationships," the video delves into recognizing unhealthy patterns and provides strategies for breaking free from them.
Section 2.1: Acknowledging My Role
I had to confront the truth: I was partly responsible for my situation. This realization involved shutting off my excuses and acknowledging that while I blamed those who hurt me, I was also culpable. I took concrete steps like entering therapy, joining a twelve-step program for families of alcoholics, and taking a break from dating.
Subsection 2.1.1: Seeking Professional Guidance
The first therapist I encountered was at a women’s clinic offering services on a sliding scale. She introduced me to transformative literature by Robert Johnson, including titles like “Owning Your Own Shadow,” “She,” and “We.” These books had a profound impact on my life. Additionally, I attended a twelve-step program for families affected by alcoholism, as it runs in my family.
Section 2.2: Prioritizing Self-Discovery
I committed to a six-month hiatus from dating to focus on understanding myself. Although I was encouraged to extend this period to a full year, I used those months to explore my interests and break the cycle of distraction that romantic pursuits often created. I immersed myself in reading, therapy, and attending meetings, consciously avoiding the urge to rush into new relationships.
In "The Traumatizing Cycle of Toxic Relationships (+ How to Break It)," viewers can learn about identifying toxic patterns and finding pathways to healthier relationships.
Section 2.3: Continuous Growth and Learning
Even today, I actively work on myself. I sometimes still find myself drawn to friends or colleagues who feed into my deep-rooted desire to please, even at the cost of feeling unwanted. It's a gradual journey of peeling back layers, but I now enjoy a fulfilling marriage and strive to model emotional availability for my daughter, preparing her for future relationships.
Have you ever faced challenges with emotional availability or found yourself drawn to emotionally unavailable individuals? What strategies are you implementing for personal growth?
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