Chapter 1: Understanding the Apology Habit

For many, the phrase "I'm sorry" is often uttered even when there's no need for it, leading to self-doubt and emotional distress.

Imagine this scenario: "I'm sorry I'm late by two and a half minutes." Or, "I apologize for not bringing a snack." These are just a few examples of the many apologies we may find ourselves making, even for trivial matters.

Do you experience this compulsion to apologize unnecessarily? This phenomenon, which I like to call "Sorry Syndrome," can make you feel inadequate and pressure you to constantly seek approval from others.

Let’s examine the examples mentioned earlier. Is being a few minutes late truly an offense? Are we required to bring snacks for gatherings? Should we cancel our plans to cater to others? Must we always respond immediately to messages? Is it necessary to scrutinize past conversations for any potential missteps? Do we need to present ourselves in a specific manner to show respect? Should we always wear a smile, regardless of our personal struggles?

In the past, I would have answered yes to all these questions. I believed that these expectations were part of being responsible and respectful. If I fell short, I felt compelled to apologize profusely and even compensate for my perceived shortcomings.

Perhaps you can relate to this feeling of needing to atone for every little mistake. However, I've come to realize that the only person who truly deserves an apology in this context is the one who is apologizing.

While I believe in the power of genuine apologies, I also recognize the downside. If we start to apologize less frequently, it could create a culture where accountability is diminished. Living in a society that often equates apologies with weakness means that some individuals may choose not to apologize at all.

Reflecting on my own experiences, I've encountered numerous people who have wronged me without ever acknowledging their actions. Out of all my relationships, only one partner ever offered me an apology. This lack of accountability has shaped my own tendency to over-apologize, as a way of compensating for the apologies I never received.

However, the real reason behind my Sorry Syndrome stems from a deep-seated belief that I must achieve a standard of perfection. This mindset leads to a fear of judgment, compelling me to apologize to demonstrate awareness of my perceived faults.

Yet, as I grow older, I realize that my apologies often stem from my own insecurities rather than actual wrongdoing. I find myself saying sorry for simply existing—like taking up space in a grocery aisle or unintentionally shifting the focus of a conversation.

Sorry Syndrome isn't just about wanting to be a good person; it's about confronting the belief that others are allowed to be human, but I am not. It's the struggle against the notion that I am unworthy of love or acceptance unless I meet unrealistic standards.

Can one recover from Sorry Syndrome? It’s a daunting challenge to break the habit of apologizing for every misstep, as it has become ingrained in my behavior.

However, I've discovered a valuable lesson: every unnecessary apology comes at a cost. Each time we apologize for something trivial or for failing to meet an arbitrary standard, we reinforce a narrative that diminishes our own worth. We signal to others that we have wronged them, even when we haven't, and we set ourselves up for higher expectations.

The irony is that this narrative can lead to a cycle of self-doubt, where we continuously chase approval but never find it.

We need to start honoring our imperfect humanity. I’ve committed to reducing my apologies, recognizing that I don't owe anyone an explanation for simply being myself. When I choose not to rearrange my schedule for others or decline to bring snacks, I resist the urge to apologize.

Naturally, this shift in behavior has upset some people, and the temptation to apologize can be overwhelming. But I remind myself that I don’t hold others to these same expectations.

As I navigate this journey, I challenge the belief that I am inherently flawed. I aim to reserve my apologies for when I genuinely wrong someone, rather than for simply existing as I am.

Ultimately, I want my apologies to hold meaning. I refuse to diminish their value by giving them away for insignificant reasons.

I am still open to saying "I'm sorry" when it truly matters, but I am learning that the most important person I need to apologize to is myself. For too long, I’ve apologized for being human, and that is an apology I no longer need to make.

Y.L. Wolfe is a gender-curious, solosexual, perimenopausal, childless crone-in-training, exploring these experiences through writing, photography, and art. You can find more of her work at yaelwolfe.com. If you love her writing, leave her a tip over at Ko-fi.

Chapter 2: Healing from Sorry Syndrome

This video titled "How to Stop Saying Sorry Too Much - Stop Over-Apologizing" discusses strategies to overcome the habit of excessive apologizing, emphasizing the importance of valuing our own presence.

In "Stop Apologizing. SAY THIS INSTEAD!" viewers learn alternative phrases and approaches to use in place of unnecessary apologies, encouraging self-acceptance and confidence.